Don’t Give In. Don’t You Dare.

Good evening, it’s warm here and sunny too.

Today I woke with thoughts of last night’s binge of Love Island, nachos and chocolate lingering close by like croissant crumbs on your clothes right before an important meeting. Unwanted. Get gone. Don’t want you.

So I gave them the boot.

Up, out, stroll into town. Towards people and noise and energy. I knew this was my medicine today. I knew this was what I needed, just like I needed that binge last night, so I followed my gut and made for town to make the most of my free time before work.

I walked along the river and the water was so high I could hear it and the air almost smelled salty. Seagulls flew dangerously close to people’s heads, who laughed as they ducked and dived out of target. And I had my headphones in and blasted a tune into my skull as I strolled with pace towards the bakery I always go to. The sun was intermittent between clouds and wind that, to be honest, weren’t that scary. It was warm(ish) – it’s Ireland like, anything above 10 degrees Celsius is summer for God’s sake – so I took any turbulence in my stride.

Sometimes the smallest things piss me off. My hair blowing everywhere and knotting itself. A child kicking my seat on the bus. Someone wearing heels and clonking all the way behind me on my lovely peaceful walk. Noise. People. Life. But I found that today when I gave myself that extra hour, it allowed for everything. Like a filter. I wasn’t rushing anywhere or thinking about my to-do list (more like a ‘will I ever do?’ list these days) and so everything that would normally clash with my state of mind just existed alongside it in harmony. I think it’s called patience? Or just being a normal human. But we are complex creatures and sometimes things that would normally so easily fit well, just don’t!

I had a choice today when I woke up. It wasn’t whether I would have a good day or a bad day. It was whether I would do something to make it better than yesterday or not. On first attempt I closed my eyes and went back to sleep again because the thought was heavy. But then a urge to get out of bed came. So I went with it. Say yes. Don’t give in. “Don’t you dare quit so easy..” ♡
If you would like to share how you are feeling please leave a comment or email me at writeoffmychestblog@gmail.com

https://www.youtube.com/attribution_link?a=wlEQDOqOE4Q&u=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DJUaVhMjlPZg%26feature%3Dshare

As Dory would so wisely say; Just keep swimming. X

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Write Off My Chest

Tonight, as I sat on the sofa in the apartment I rent, I watched the same television programme I always watch and ate the typical curry I always make. I felt the same ups and down’s of the programme I always do as the characters overly dramatic lives somehow touch emotions within me that I didn’t even know were hiding. Result? A blubbering fool. A blubbering fool sitting on the couch nervous in case one of my housemates arrive in at this untimely time to find me sobbing and spitting tears and curry at the laptop screen. Some call me graceful, others prefer quirky. Either way, I was still on my own and afraid of that dreaded thing we all fear; being found out. Found out that I’m not in fact perfectly held together by the ropes of success and ribbons of self confidence I project onto the world via social media. Found out that I cry at furniture adverts where a BLOODY KITCHEN SINK witnesses the life span of this gorgeous family growing and living around it through the years… god. Found out that on days when I feel just shit, I like to make myself feel more shit and play sad songs and walk through town on my own pretending I’m in a music video. Found out that no matter how many times I say “that’s the last family size bag of cheesy Doritos I eat now” it’s never the last time. Found out that I’m sad.

Depression. Gets thrown around a lot doesn’t it? Like it was once a dirty thing that no one wanted but now it’s the hipster tartan skirt on the back rail in the charity shop for a fiver that everyone will commend you for wearing. And you’re proud you found it because it was an accident, you didn’t go looking for it, but it’s the perfect fit and it makes you feel more like you to wear it, and look at it in the mirror and own it. So why do we flimsily throw around the terms depressed and anxious like they’re casual things that we’re ok with when we’re really not ok with them? If we were ok with them, I wouldn’t have went to the doctor two months ago and confessed how I felt and been left leave with a phone number on a piece of paper that I never called. Or I wouldn’t have kept my name anonymous on this. Why is that? Why don’t I have the courage on to wear it and own it? People don’t know I feel this way. My dad does, half a handful of my friends do. The rest of my family? The rest of the people in my life? They think I eat dancing emojis and laughing cartoon characters for breakfast. As much as I’ve convinced myself that “it’s out there” and “people know how I get” and “I’m so comfortable and cool with that”… no one knows. I’m completely fooling myself thinking I’m fine wearing that vintage tartan skirt when everyone else is going to Topshop for leather ones.

And so I sat here tonight and I thought, I need to write this down. I need to write this right off my chest. Because when I read about other people feeling exactly how I feel it does two things for me. 1. It makes me feel a lot less stupid for feeling this shit and it almost encourages me to give myself permission to feel however I feel – no judgement. And 2. It makes me angry. It makes me so angry that people feel this way and feel on their own because there’s stigma around them not appearing “ok”. And that almost encourages me to open up completely, to scream it onto the street and see if there’s anything that I can do to help someone else feeling like this. ‘Almost’ always sadly being the key word.

So here’s to this little blog. Here’s to getting it off our chests, on our own but together. Feel free to share a story or anything that will help you or maybe even someone else.

If you would like to share how you are feeling please leave a comment or email me at writeoffmychestblog@gmail.com

If one person feels a little bit less shit tonight, then that’s something at least. I know I feel a bit better already for sharing this. Here for advice.

#writeoffmychest #mentallyme

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